Hey guys, hope you’re well. As you know, I’m here in Agadir waiting for the parcel you were supposed to deliver three days ago. Could you imagine, if I was as important as you, how upset I’d be?
Anyway, I just wanted you to know that I’m going to carry on with my kill-them-with-kindness technique, although it hasn’t paid any dividends so far. LOL. In that spirit, I was thinking how lovely it would be if I gave you some assistance. And then it hit me. See, I have this dream (nightmare?) of a new kid coming into work on his first day, all bright-eyed and toothy-smiled, at the Customer Care section. You know, the idealistic type who might actually do something and help someone. Now I know you don’t want that to happen, so I’ve tried to distill the Customer Care principles of your glorious global institution into an easy-to-read, step-by-step guide. I’ve brought it down to only 20 rules which, if you consider the gargantuan amount of bullshit you’ve got going on, is quite the feat. Here goes!
- Treat people like shit.
- Never let people know for sure that you are treating them like shit.
- Remember that the customer is a Sucker.
- Always be a little surprised that the Sucker is calling. Try to communicate the following subtextually: if he were a Saudi prince or a Latin American president, I’d be happy and able to help. But this guy? Give me a fucking break.
- Always tell the Sucker that his parcel will be delivered tomorrow.
- Always suggest to the Sucker that it should be obvious that his parcel will be delivered tomorrow.
- If you absolutely have to laugh when you say the above (yes, it is funny), do it under your breath or hold it until after the phone call.
- When the Sucker wants to know when something will be done, say 30 minutes.
- When the Sucker wants to know when to call back, say one hour.
- When the Sucker wants to know when he or she will be called back by Someone Important, say by the end of the day.
- When the Sucker asks why he wasn’t called back, try with variation:
- Not understanding,
- Not responding,
- Not knowing,
- Not caring,
- Not surprised,
- Not interested,
- Or, just hang up.
- If the Sucker calls first thing in the morning, act both tired (as in, I haven’t woken up yet) and offended by their assumption that you work when you are supposed to. Indicate that absolutely nothing can be done at this time.
- If the Sucker calls towards the end of the day, act both tired (as in, what a hard day (LOL)) and offended by their assumption that you should still be there. Indicate that absolutely nothing can be done at this time.
- If the Sucker calls at any other time of the day, practice subtlety: something will be done, you say, but underneath that you are really saying: nothing will be done.
- When in doubt, pretend to do something and put the Sucker on hold. The holding music should have only one song and be suitably awful. Try a cover of ‘Ain’t No Mountain High Enough’, not only demolished by a terrible singer, but interrupted/restarted every 30 seconds in order to avert the satisfaction of musical closure and to simulate an interminable, cyclical, yawning and abysmal purgatory into which the Sucker should actually witness himself, after enough exposure, descend slowly, boringly, tearfully-if-he-had-the-strength-for-tears, down in full covenant with the forces of corporate darkness who, with every second the Sucker chooses to remain, tear out another piece of his soul and with the cracked hammer of hell crush his residual dignity into a cold, grey and abjectly forgotten sedentery skeletal-handful of dust. Typically, the Sucker will hang up.
- If the Sucker does not hang up, act as if you’ve done Something Important or spoken with Someone Important, but that it hasn’t amounted to anything definite or clear.
- If the Sucker demands to speak with Someone Important immediately, pass the Sucker to your neighbouring colleague and test his acting abilities.
- To give a little variation to your day, try different characters: A might stutter, B might be a total airhead, and C could be that arrogant, sighing, completely contemptuous bastard you always wanted to try out in Improv class but never had the nerve.
- If it gets really tough, and the Sucker has proven they will suffer through the inferno of your Diana Ross try-hard, simply follow these steps: put the Sucker on hold for a reasonable amount of time (say, 15 minutes); hang up; answer the angry return call; feign ignorance or, for the experienced, contempt; put the Sucker back on hold for 15 minutes; hang up. Repeat until the Sucker gives up, or business hours end. Then go home and laugh about it.
- Apologies are cheap, so say you’re sorry, but never, ever accept responsibility. Always remember: somehow, in some way, even if it requires an infinite stretch of logic and the powers of imagination, it is the Sucker’s fault.
Hope this helps!
QM
